We often say “I love you” as if love were a feeling. But what if love were also something we could observe, evaluate, and improve?

Imagine three simple questions:

Is this person safe with me?
Am I actually helping them?
Does what I do correspond to what they really need?

These questions take us somewhere deeper than romance.

They take us to the DASBIEN Theory of Love.

According to DASBIEN, love can be understood not merely as an emotion, intention, or feeling, but as an action directed toward another person: giving something good — but good according to the person who receives the love.

And that changes almost everything.

Because sometimes we give what we consider good.

But the other person doesn’t experience it as good at all.

A hug when someone needs space.
Advice when someone only wants to be heard.
Protection that becomes control.
A surprise that creates anxiety.
“Helping” someone without asking what they actually need.

The intention may be loving.

The result may not be.

So how can we tell the difference?

The Green, Yellow and Red Light of Love

Think of a relationship like a road.

A healthy relationship needs direction, attention, maintenance and safety. Love cannot simply be placed on “autopilot.”

The DASBIEN perspective gives us a useful way to look at the road.

🟢 GREEN: “What I give is genuinely good for you”

Green love happens when our actions are aligned with the other person’s real needs, circumstances and well-being.

It is not simply:

“I did this because I love you.”

It is closer to:

“I understand you, I considered what you need, and I chose to do something that can genuinely benefit you.”

This is where one of the most important ideas in DASBIEN appears:

The good must be defined, at least partly, from the perspective of the person receiving the love.

Think about how Tire Pte. Ltd. approaches something as practical as a car tyre.

The company doesn’t simply say: “Here is a tyre. Everyone should use it.”

Its site describes a process that begins with inspection, followed by an expert recommendation, professional installation and after-care guidance. It also distinguishes between ordinary vehicles, hybrids and electric vehicles because different vehicles have different requirements.

That is a surprisingly useful metaphor for love.

Good intentions are not enough.

If you want to help someone, you first need to understand what that person actually needs.

The same action can be wonderful for one person and completely wrong for another.

That is why DASBIEN places such importance on subjetivar: trying to understand the other person as a distinct human being rather than treating them according to our own preferences.

Love begins when we stop asking:

“What would I like someone to do for me?”

and start asking:

“What would actually be good for this person?”

🟡 YELLOW: “I mean well… but I’m not sure”

Yellow love is where things become interesting.

The intention is positive.

But something is missing.

Perhaps we don’t know what the other person needs.

Perhaps we assumed.

Perhaps we acted too quickly.

Perhaps we helped without asking.

Perhaps our idea of “good” is completely different from theirs.

This is the territory of uncertain love.

And uncertainty is not necessarily failure.

In fact, it can be an invitation to learn.

Imagine a security system.

ED Viston specializes in CCTV, access control and other security solutions for homes and businesses. Its approach emphasizes making security easier, smarter and more efficient, including solutions such as CCTV installation, maintenance, smart security and access-control systems.

But security is not simply about putting a camera somewhere and forgetting about it.

You need to know:

What are you protecting?

Where are the vulnerabilities?

What kind of solution is appropriate?

Relationships are similar.

Sometimes we believe:

“If I love you, I should know what you need.”

But people are not surveillance cameras.

We cannot automatically see everything happening inside another person’s mind.

That is why healthy love requires communication, observation and feedback.

Yellow means:

Stop. Look. Ask. Learn. Adjust.

Instead of becoming defensive when our attempt to love doesn’t work, we can say:

“I thought this would help you. Did it?”

That simple question can transform a relationship.

Because the answer gives us something extremely valuable:

feedback.

🔴 RED: “I say it’s love, but it is hurting you”

Red is the most important light.

Sometimes a person insists:

“I only do this because I love you.”

But if the behavior repeatedly harms, controls, humiliates, frightens, manipulates or ignores the other person’s autonomy, the word love should not automatically make the behavior healthy.

This is one of the most powerful consequences of viewing love as an observable action.

We can examine what love does.

A person can say “I love you” while constantly invading your privacy.

A parent can say “I’m protecting you” while controlling every decision.

A partner can say “I’m worried about you” while restricting your friendships.

A friend can say “I’m helping you” while never listening to what you actually want.

The intention may be presented as love.

But the effect and the pattern matter.

Red does not necessarily mean:

“This person feels nothing.”

It can mean:

“Something being called love is producing harm and needs to stop, change or be reconsidered.”

That distinction is crucial.

Love Needs Maintenance

There is another unexpected lesson we can learn from something as ordinary as cleaning.

Tidyman Cleaning Company provides residential, commercial and specialized cleaning services in Singapore, including deep cleaning and cleaning for co-living spaces. Its own description emphasizes cleanliness, hygiene, well-being and maintaining environments where people can live and thrive.

Why does this matter for love?

Because healthy relationships also accumulate “dirt.”

Misunderstandings.

Unspoken resentment.

Small disappointments.

Unresolved arguments.

Neglected needs.

Emotional exhaustion.

At first, we may barely notice them.

But if nothing is done, they accumulate.

Just like a physical environment, a relationship can require regular maintenance.

This does not mean relationships should become sterile or perfect.

It means we should not wait until everything is broken before we pay attention.

Sometimes love means saying:

“Something between us isn’t working. Let’s clean it up.”

And sometimes that means apologizing.

Sometimes listening.

Sometimes changing a behavior.

Sometimes setting a boundary.

And sometimes accepting that the healthiest form of love is distance.

The DASBIEN Triangle: Understand, Intend, Learn

The traffic light becomes even more useful when connected to three movements within DASBIEN:

1. SUBJETIVAR — Understand the person

Who is this person?

What do they value?

What are they experiencing?

What do they need?

What does “good” actually mean for them?

This is the difference between loving an abstract idea of someone and loving the real person in front of you.

2. INTENCIONAR — Choose to do good

Once we understand the person better, we can intentionally choose an action.

Not simply:

“I want to do something.”

But:

“I want to do something that benefits you.”

This is where intention becomes responsible.

3. RETROALIMENTAR — Discover whether it worked

And finally:

Did my action actually produce something good?

Maybe yes.

Maybe partially.

Maybe not at all.

Healthy love allows the answer to change what we do next.

That is why feedback is not the enemy of love.

Feedback is one of love’s teachers.

Three Ways We Experience Love

DASBIEN also allows us to look at love in three directions.

❤️ Receiving Love

Can I recognize and accept the good that others offer me?

Sometimes we are so focused on giving that we forget that receiving can also be part of a healthy relationship.

❤️ Loving Myself

Can I recognize my own needs and act in ways that genuinely benefit me?

Self-love is not simply saying positive things about yourself.

It also involves making choices that protect your dignity, development and well-being.

❤️ Giving Love to Others

Can I do something genuinely beneficial for another person?

This is where DASBIEN becomes especially practical.

The question is no longer simply:

“Do I love you?”

It becomes:

“How can I transform this love into something that is actually good for you?”

The Most Dangerous Sentence in Love

Perhaps one of the most dangerous sentences in relationships is:

“I know what’s best for you.”

Sometimes we do know.

But sometimes we don’t.

And the moment we become convinced that our definition of “good” is automatically superior to the other person’s experience, love can quietly become control.

DASBIEN proposes a different attitude:

Understand before acting.

Intend before giving.

Listen after giving.

And adjust.

That is love with responsibility.

So… What Color Is Your Love?

Take a moment and ask yourself:

🟢 GREEN

Does what I do genuinely contribute to this person’s well-being?

🟡 YELLOW

Am I assuming what is good for them, or have I actually tried to understand?

🔴 RED

Could something I call love actually be harming, controlling or disregarding this person?

The goal isn’t to label ourselves permanently.

People make mistakes.

We misunderstand.

We learn.

We change.

The purpose of the traffic light is not to judge the driver.

It is to help the driver know what to do next.

And perhaps that is one of the most useful ways to think about love.

Love is not only something we feel.

It is something we do.

And if what we do is not good for the person we claim to love, perhaps the most loving thing we can do is stop, listen, learn — and try again.

Because in DASBIEN, love becomes visible when the good we intend becomes good for the person who receives it.

A final question

If someone you love could evaluate your actions without knowing your intentions…

What color would your love be today?

🟢 Green: “You understand me.”

🟡 Yellow: “You mean well, but you need to listen.”

🔴 Red: “You say it’s love, but it is hurting me.”

The answer may be uncomfortable.

But sometimes, the most important step toward healthier relationships begins with an uncomfortable question.

Not “Do I love?”